


War on the Home Front

by Living_Free



Series: War On The Home Front [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, Benignly Nosy Albus Dumbledore, Canon Divergence, Crack, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Interfering Albus Dumbledore, M/M, Mpreg, Sour Snape, Sweetheart Remus Lupin, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 06:11:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15237138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: The First War is over, and with a surprise hidden in Remus’ tummy.A forced liaison between Remus and Snape yields surprising results for the two, including addressing past trauma, healing, and Snape being related to Albus (how, also why. You will see).Also Sirius Black. And a baby. The latter, Snape can handle, the former, not so much. Thank Merlin for Remus.And is that a Potter on the sofa?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Endrina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Endrina/gifts).



> This is a gift for the beautiful Endrina, who brought much joy into all our lives with her fic series, the secret language of plants.

Never in a million years did Remus Lupin think that his life would come to this - three months pregnant and retching into a toilet bowl during an Order meeting. He was supposed to be the stable one, the one who got by, the one who kept out of trouble. There was no way of accounting for this. 

This, being his and Severus’ child. 

Remus groaned. He had managed not to think of Severus for three whole months, but now, he couldn’t afford not to. Severus had no idea, not a one, safely back at Hogwarts having started his new job as the potions professor. They hadn’t communicated at all after that day...

Remus had infiltrated Greyback’s pack as part of his role as an Order spy. It was hilariously easy to get them to take him in, a young werewolf who had been victimized by wizards. That he had a slender body and large, expressive, golden eyes didn’t hurt either. 

Remus did his job well, spying and reporting covertly on Greyback’s movements. No one had suspected him, and countless lives had been saved. The war was at fever pitch, both sides taking heavy losses, when Voldemort (curse his name) had had an idea. 

He had to think of the long term. He needed an army, and did you know that werewolves could all carry young? What better than an army of young wizards, magic wielding sons of death eaters, with the strength of a werewolf, all indoctrinated and trained under the Dark Lord’s banner? He would be unstoppable. 

That was how Severus Snape had reacquainted himself with Remus Lupin, in the dark grotto of Greyback’s hideout. 

“Stop moving away,” Snape had hissed urgently, “you’ll look suspicious.”

“Suspicious? I-“

“For fuck’s sake, Lupin,” he whispered, “I’m one of your people, I’m a spy. Now stay still!”

That had been a shock, knowing that Severus Snape had switched sides. A prophecy he had heard about, dooming the Potter’s had forced his hand. He could never abandon Lily, and her child was marked. 

Really, it wasn’t much of a choice at all. 

Severus had dragged Remus into an empty room shut the door before soundproofing it. “The Dark Lord wants wizarding children with werewolf strength in his armies. He’s thinking of the long term now.”

“You’re not seriously telling me that you volunteered for this, did you?” Remus asked, sounding disbelieving.

Snape snorted. “Half-blood, remember? Apparently, my blood is already poor enough to risk further dilution. You won’t see any were-Malfoys running around, that’s for sure.”

Remus looked horrified. “But then, you...and me-?”

“Unless you’d like Avery,” Snape sneered. “Or Mulciber.”

“I wouldn’t like anyone!” Remus hissed, conscious of not being too loud. “I don’t want to do this, Severus!”

“Neither do I,” Snape replied, running a harried hand through his hair. “Here,” he said, reaching into his coat pocket, where he withdrew a small vial filled with a clear liquid. “Morning after potion. I can’t vouch for its effectiveness on werewolves, but it’s better than nothing.”

Remus took the potion with a trembling hand. “Severus, please,” he begged, “I don’t want to do this. Please, anything but this. We- we can say we did it, and pretend! Sev-“

“Mulciber will check us,” Severus said apologetically. “For, erm, fluids. There’s a spell.”

Remus couldn’t help it. He started crying out of sheer horror at the extent of the violation, and Snape lunged forward, clamping a hand across his mouth to stifle the sound of his sobs. They stared at each other wretchedly, about to be forced together by the machinations of a madman. 

Snape sighed and removed his hand after Remus had managed to quiet his sobs. “For what it’s worth,” he said, “I’m sorry.”

Over the weeks, they continued their forced copulation and reporting back to their respective superiors. When he heard of it, Dumbledore looked deeply ill, then put his head in his hands and cried for the boys that he had watched grow up and swore to protect. Remus cried too, unable to handle the sight of the great man in tears. 

Dumbledore vowed to him that they, the Order, would end Voldemort. Remus agreed, but stated in no uncertain terms that he would be the one to finish Greyback and Mulciber. 

Then suddenly, the war was over, and with it, Greyback and Mulciber. Severus had met his eyes over the bludgeoned body of Mulciber and said appreciatively, “Kudos. That was quite a blow, Lupin.” Remus had murmured a shy thanks, and they had gone their separate ways, thinking that they would not cross paths again. 

Now, three months after little Harry Potter - his Harry, baby Harry - defeated the Dark Lord, Remus was crouched in the bathroom in the Order’s safehouse, shaking from the force of his sobs. Outside, the Shaklebolt was droning on about capturing the remaining free death eaters, but Remus couldn’t hear-

The door swung open, but Remus couldn’t bring himself to look up. After a few seconds, he felt a thin arm wrap around his shoulders and pull him into a warm embrace. “My poor boy,” Albus whispered sadly, “my poor, dear, boy.”

Beside Remus’ hitching sobs, Albus’ pained tears were silent, crying for the injustices meted out to an entire generation from the evil of one man. He couldn’t save them, but he could save this one, Albus thought. 

Albus Dumbledore took another silent vow there in the bathroom in the Scottish highlands. He would do right by this one boy. He would do right by Remus Lupin and his baby, and if he allowed it, Severus Snape. 

………………………………

Severus Snape had hoped for a fresh start, and working at Hogwarts seemed almost too good to be true. The surviving free death eaters had slithered back to their usual places, some in high society, some in low. And here Severus was, all of twenty-one and snarling at a group of terrified fifth years for not being able to brew a blood replenishing potion properly. 

The amount of times he had had to brew it this year alone-

No, Severus shook his head to dispel the memories of gore and violence. He was starting again, starting fresh, with new hopes, with new dreams, with Lupin, and-

Wait. 

Severus spun around so fast that a smaller man would have been forced off balance. Remus Lupin was standing by the door, looking pale, scarred, and deathly afraid. Terrible memories from the past few months all washed over Severus in a tidal wave of horror. 

“Clear down and leave,” Snape snarled at the fifth years, who hastened to obey. He waited until the room was clear before gesturing for Lupin to come in. “What happened?” He asked shortly. 

“It didn’t work.”

And Severus’ shiny new life came crashing down with three words.

……………………………………

Dumbledore was staring solemnly at Severus as he digested the news. 

“I’m three months along,” Remus said. “The potion didn’t take.” Three months. So it had been in the last week of July. 

“Are you-“

Remus took a deep breath. “I want to keep the baby.”

Severus was flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, did I hear that right? You want to keep the baby?” When Remus nodded, Severus jumped up in shock. “You want to keep the baby that was conceived in that- that manner? You want to have and raise the child of a death eater?”

Remus sighed. “It could have been so much worse,” he said softly. “It could have been someone else, but it was you. And I don’t...you made it better, Severus. We were both in a terrible situation, but this child is not a part of that time. I won’t let it be.”

Severus flopped back down, feeling numb. “Lupin-“

“You don’t have to be involved,” Remus hurried to say. “But I’m keeping the baby. I’m keeping it because you’re not as bad a man as you think you are. You helped me thorough a bad situation, Severus. You helped me and put your neck on the line giving me that potion. I- I don’t know if I can have another, and I will raise this child to be a better person than anyone-“

“Lupin, can you hear yourself?” Snape asked weakly. “You- you want to raise a child! My child! A child with my blood, my magic, my nose, into a good person?” When Lupin looked steadily back at him, Severus spluttered. “What about the cost? You are a werewolf, you can hardly support a child!”

At this, Dumbledore cleared his throat. “Ahem. I may have a solution for that particular issue,” he said mildly, pulling out a piece of parchment. Severus and Remus leaned over to read aloud, “Certification for the adult adoption of Remus John Lupin by Albus Percival Bri- what!?” 

Dumbledore smiled. “If you would allow it, Remus, I would like to name you as my son and legal heir.” His face settled in a sad frown as he continued, “You have been hurt by this war, on my orders. I was unable to protect you then, to my shame, but I would ask that you give me the opportunity to do so now. It would be an honour to have you as my son.”

Remus gaped in shock at the headmaster’s declaration. “Sir...”

“Please, call me dad.”

Remus was surprised into a laugh, and clapped a hand over his mouth. This was too good to be true. Albus smiled. “So, what do you say, Mr. Dumbledore?”

Remus picked up a quill and signed shakily. The ink glowed red upon contact, and a new bond was sealed. Albus clapped his hands together delightedly. “How wonderful! I have a son, and a grandson on the way! Ah, I am becoming domestic. I have always longed to brag about my children to Aberforth, and now I can.”

Remus grinned and looked up at Snape, who was frozen in shock. “You see, Severus? Things are going to be alright. I can find work now, with the Headmaster’s name and faith in me clearly visible. I’m keeping this baby, and you can be as involved as you wish, or not at all.”

Severus spluttered. “Involved? Involved? Lupin, this is my child too! Of course I’m going to be involved! Knowing you, we’d probably end up with the baby going to Hufflepuff, you great marshmallow!”

“And what exactly is wrong with Hufflepuffs?” Dumbledore asked. 

“Have you met any of them recently?”

“Ah. Carry on.”

“There is much to do,” Severus said, pacing around the room. “We should prepare for the birth. We need a crib, and bottles, and an extra closet-“

“Extra closet?” Remus asked. “How many onesies do you plan on buying?”

Severus looked despairingly at Remus. “Not for the child, you ditz, for you. For when you move in with me. We shall also need wipes-“

“Excuse me?”

“Wipes. For wiping the arse.”

“No,” Remus goggled, “the part about us moving in together.”

Severus stared at Remus, uncomprehending. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you plan on being an unwed father? I didn’t think so. Now, where was I?”

Remus looked at Dumbledore. “Did he just propose to me?”

Albus twinkled infuriatingly. “Already, I can boast about my son’s wedding! Aberforth will surely burn with jealousy.”

Severus rolled his eyes. “Do you really want a proposal, Lupin?”

“...Kind of.”

“Fine. Marry me so that we can raise our child together.”

“You could sound happier about it,” Remus suggested.

“I’ve had a very long day, Lupin. I can’t bring the romance right now.”

Remus was surprised to find himself laughing at Severus’ fatigued expression. “That’s forgivable. Where are you taking me?” He asked, as Severus started to drag him to his feet.

“To the courthouse. There’s no point dilly-dallying, we may as well just get married.”

“Severus!” Remus cried, “I’m not getting married in my outdoor robes!”

“I’ll lend you some of mine. You’ll need a new wardrobe anyway, I refuse to let my spouse wear those tatters that you go about in.”

“I can buy my own robes!”

“No.”

“You’ll choose something black, I hate black!”

“And you’ll choose something in beige, probably. Which is worse?”

“I am partial to purple, myself,” Albus piped up. 

“Absolutely not. We will buy green robes. Hurry up, Lupin! The court closes at five!”

“I’m pregnant!”

“Shall I levitate you?”

The door shut behind the men as Remus slapped away Severus’ wand as he tried to levitate him. Albus smiled to himself, and pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill and started to write.

Dear Aberforth,

I have just acquired a son. Let us do lunch on Sunday so that you can meet him. 

Try not to be too bitter. 

Your loving brother,

Albus. 

Chucking, Albus sent the letter off with Fawkes. He barely had to wait for a reply. 

Al,

I’m surprised that you managed to get it up for a woman. 

Signed,

Abe.

Albus chuckled and wrote back promptly.

Dear Aberforth,

Thankfully, I have never had to covet the female form. I acquired my son through adoption. He is twenty-one years old, and he is with child. I will soon have a grandchild as well! Are we still doing lunch?

Lovingly yours,

Albus.

He shared a sly smirk with Fawkes before sending the bird on his way, and reclined in his plush armchair. The war had been a nightmare, and the survivors carried their fair share of scars. It gladdened him that Remus and Severus were able to see their child through a better lens. They were remarkable men, and he was going to be a remarkable grandfather. 

He wondered whether he could convince them to name their child after him.


	2. Chapter 2

Word had gotten around that Professor Snape was up to something. It had started when Elisa Edgecombe, whose mother’s friend worked at the ministry, told her that she had seen Snape at the ministry going to level three, where the Department for the Registry of Familiars was. She said that he had been holding onto another young man, who looked so very nervous. 

That poor young thing, she said. Had he been bonded to that horrible Snape fellow? Honestly, that man didn’t deserve to have such a special bond. Humanoid familiars were so rare, they didn’t usually approach wizards, and were very much coveted. Had this poor boy been a dryad, or a nymph? Perhaps one of the rare faeries. Regardless, he shouldn’t have to be with that dour Snape fellow. 

The news, as it was wont to, spread like wildfire at Hogwarts, courtesy of young Miss Edgecombe. Professor Snape had captured a nymph and was keeping him in his chambers. He was using its power to create dark spells and using the creature’s hair for his potions. What a horrible man he was.

Eventually it was a group of second year Gryffindors (of course it was) who were brave enough to try to infiltrate Snape’s chambers to rescue the nymph or fae or whatever it was that Snape was keeping captive for evil, mean, purposes. 

The group consisted of Frederick Swanson, Jemima Littleton, Idris Santos, and Anil Sharma, four valiant souls who were willing to risk life and limb to free the captured familiar and release him from his bonds. 

They had made sure that Snape was out of the school, having lured him away with a letter from the Academy of Potioneers Mostus Nerdius inviting him to give a lecture. They then waited until midnight before sneaking into his private chambers. 

“We’re in!” Jemima cheered. “Quick, split up and look for the nymph!”

They were barely two inured into their search before Remus, who was now visibly pregnant, walked in. “Hello there,” he said confusedly. “Who are you all?”

Anil was the first to recover from his shock. He ran over to Remus and tugged on his arm. “We’re here to rescue you!” He said. “Quick, let’s go before the dungeon bat comes back!”

Remus looked bemusedly down at the children. “What? Are you talking about Severus?”

“We know he’s imprisoned you,” Frederick said. “How do we break your bonds?”

“Why would you want to break my bond with Severus?” Remus asked, looking down at his wedding ring. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding. Severus?” He called. 

To the students’ horror, Severus Snape emerged from the bedroom, wearing nothing but his pajama pants and sporting spectacular bedhead. He narrowed his eyes dangerously at the four children. After a moment of painful silence, Severus spoke. 

“Explain or perish.”

“Severus!” Remus hissed. 

“Go to bed, Lupin,” Snape growled. “I shall to deal with these miscreants.”

Idris Santos bravely stepped forward to stand in front of Lupin with his arms spread wide, blocking Snape’s path to him. “We won’t let you hurt him!” Idris cried. “You’re a mean, evil, bogey, and we’ll defeat you!”

“Ten points- no, fifty points- no, a hundred points from Gryffindor! Each!” Severus snarled, his face taking on a purple colour that was more suited to be on Dumbledore’s robes. “I have never seen such insubordination! I will have you expelled! We are going to the headmaster-“

“Get him!” Jemima yelled, and they all cast various jinxes at him. Being second years, however, their furnunculus curses only managed to give Snape a few pimples that he vanished promptly. Not one to accept defeat, Jemima cried, “Get him again!”

Remus rolled his eyes and cast an impedimenta on all of them, before walking around the room and collecting the children’s wands. “There. Now, could you please tell us what is going on?” He asked mildly, lifting the spell. 

Immediately, the children burst into loud explanations. Snape was a very mean bogey that floated around the dungeons, and had somehow managed to capture a nymph and forced him into being his familiar. They were here to rescue him, and release him from his forced bonding, because Snape was an evil Slytherin earwig who probably ate children for breakfast. 

The night ended with Remus insisting that he was not a nymph, nor was he Severus’ familiar, and you shouldn’t call your professor a bogey, that’s not very nice, please apologize to him. After a round of stuttered apologies, Remus lightened up and complimented the group on how brave they were for trying to do the right thing, even though there really wasn’t much to do.

Then Snape took over, snarling that he would see them hanging by their thumbs for breaking into his chambers, also how dare you wake us up, can’t you see that Lupin is pregnant and needs his rest, I will personally see to it that you are expelled and thrown into Azkaban, at which all of the kids started crying. 

It took several minutes for Remus to chastise Severus and then calm the children down and assure them that no one was going to be expelled, and Severus can’t send anyone to Azkaban, and please go back to your dorms and get some sleep. 

It took Remus an hour to stop laughing, and then he still giggled in his sleep. Snape dreamt of revenge and thought about how he could dock more points from Gryffindor. 

The next morning, Snape woke Remus up and informed them that they would take their breakfasts at the staff table. “Honeymoon period’s over, Lupin. We’re eating at the staff table.”

Remus looked confused. “But I’m not staff. I usually just eat in the kitchens. Also, we’re still technically on our honeymoon, it’s only been two weeks since we got married.”

“And already you nag me. Get dressed, man!”

The Great Hall was pindrop silent as Severus and Remus walked in. At the staff table McGonnagall dropped her spoon in surprise at seeing Remus walking in, and Flitwick upended his bowl of Witchabix. “Remus?” Minerva gasped. “When did you get here?”

“Last week,” Remus said.

“Why are you here, my boy?” Flitwick asked worriedly. 

Remus looked unimpressed. “You didn’t tell them?” He asked Severus pointedly. 

“It’s none of their business,” Snape defended himself. 

“Severus.”

“Oh, fine!” Snape rapped on his juice glass with his knife to get the attention of the assembled staff and students. “Listen carefully, I shall say this only once. The man next to me is called Remus Lupin-“

“Remus Dumbledore,” Albus corrected cheerfully. 

“-and he is not a nymph, or a fairy, or whatever nonsense that you have been spreading. I have not held him captive, nor am I using his extremities for potions ingredients. He is my husband as of the last two weeks-“

“And my son!”

“-and is living with me, in my chambers, as married people often do. Now,” he said, his voice dropping into a venomous hiss, “if I hear of any of you trying to breach my chambers again, for any reason at all, then I will personally disembowel you and use your flayed skin as-“

“Severus!” 

“Do shut up, spouse,” Severus said. “Eat some toast or something, make sure our fetus is developing healthily and what not. As I was saying, I shall flay any student who-“

“He’s lying!” Elisa Edgecombe screamed. “My auntie saw him coming from Level three of the ministry, where the Department for Familiar Protection is!”

“It is also where the Wizarding Marriage Registry Ofiices are located,” Snape hissed. “A hundred- no, three hundred points from Ravenclaw!”

Remus groaned as Ravenclaw table burst into a frenzy of panic. “Severus, for god’s sake, please sit down.” Remus looked beseechingly at Dumbledore. “Albus-“

“Ahem.”

“-er, dad. Could you please stop him before he assigns the whole school detention?”

Albus beamed and stood up. The hall immediately fell quiet in the face of Dumbledore’s powerful yet benign smile. “I have been remiss,” he said, “to not introduce to the school our newest resident. This is, as Professor Snape said, Remus Lupin-Dumbledore, my new son. Feel free to shower me with congratulations.”

The students applauded and Dumbledore beamed. “I have the great honour of telling you that he recently wed Professor Snape, and they are expecting their first child, Albus the second!”

“No-“

“We can deal with it later,” Remus hissed. 

After another round of applause, Dumbledore sat back down with the air of someone who has solved a major crisis, and was immediately accosted by an irate McGonagall. “You adopted Remus and didn’t tell me!? And you!” She cried, pointing at Snape, who deigned to look at her over his toast, “You got married and didn’t tell anyone!”

“I feel terrible,” Severus monotoned. “Lupin, eat some more eggs.”

Minerva watched Severus monitor a beleaguered Remus pile more eggs onto his plate and felt her anger slowly abate. She had never dared to hope that the last generation would find happiness. After Voldemort, they were all focused on burying the dead. To see two former enemies bonding over a life that they had created was heartwarming. 

After breakfast, the fascination over Snape’s marriage had abated, and new gossip had taken over the school. Idris Santos took great pains in describing how Snape had accosted them whist shirtless, and did you know that he had an outie? It was so tiny, but the navel was most definitely an outie.

By the end of the day, all of Gryffindor house had detention. 

……………………………………

Their first night as a married couple was undeniably strange. 

“Well, congratulations to us,” Severus monotoned as they exited the Ministry, “what should we do now?”

“We could just get on with moving my stuff to Hogwarts,” Remus suggested. As it turned out, there wasn’t much “stuff” Remus owned that was worth moving. The books were kept, the heirloom blanket and some old baby things of Remus’ were also stored carefully. The clothes, however, were another story.

“We need to go shopping,” Severus said, closing his eyes to block the beige horrors that were Remus’ robes. 

“They’re fine, I don’t need-“

“Lupin, you are my spouse. Mrs. Potions Master, as it were. I can afford new clothes.”

Remus hesitated. He had never had the means onto shell out for new clothes before, and it went against his frugal lifestyle thus far to start now. “I could stitch some holes up-“

“Diagon Alley!” Severus was already yelling, dragging Remus over to the floo bad promptly jumped into it. They ended up buying a few sets of navy blue robes, a few sets of green (Remus had rolled his eyes, but obliged Severus who had been eyeing the emerald green ones), and one festive purple set to humour Albus. 

After clearing some space in their now joint wardrobe, Severus decided to call it a night. “I shall sleep on the right side of the bed, if it’s all the same to you,” he said, tucking himself in. He then divested himself of his usual white button down and lay down, pulling the sheets up to his chin. Remus guiltily thought that Severus possessed a not insignificant resemblance to Dracula laid in his coffin. 

“You sleep shirtless?”

“It allows for maximum ventilation,” Severus muttered. He cracked an eye open and asked, “Does it make you uncomfortable?”

“No, it’s just that I sleep shirtless too,” Remus said, and shrugged off his own careworn tunic and settling in on the other side of the bed. He leaned forwards to grab the blankets, and noticed Severus’ eyes on his torso. Remus had forgotten about his scars. They were faded somewhat, but white lines crisscrossed his body as a stark reminder of his lycanthropy. 

“You’re showing,” Severus said, somewhat breathlessly. 

“Pardon?”

“You’re showing,” Severus said, sitting up and pointing at Remus’ stomach. Remus looked down in surprise and saw that there was, in fact, a very little bulge in his midsection. 

“Huh. That wasn’t there last week,” Remus said, putting his hand over his abdomen. Seeing that Severus was looking rather thunderstruck, Remus clawed his throat. “Would you like to, er, touch it?”

Severus looked taken aback, but scooched closer. He hesitantly reached out and grazed the bump before withdrawing his hand quickly. “Well. Rather. I say. Quite. By Jove.”

Remus looked amused. “Your reaction to seeing the first sign of your child is to be as British as possible?”

“I am a proud Brit, and we repress our emotions with pride. Goodnight, Lupin. And goodnight, Little Severus,” Snape said addressing Remus’ stomach. “May you develop into a healthy fetus.”

“Most expectant fathers use baby talk when addressing their children,” Remus pointed out. 

“And I contend that most people are fools. Would Salazar Slytherin ever resort to incomprehensible cooing and babbling? I think not! My child shall grow up to be verbose and articulate.” With that, Severus flipped over and proceeded to resemble a bat whilst asleep. 

Wondering how his life had taken this strange, but not unpleasant turn, Remus fell asleep next to - by golly! - his husband.

……………………………………………

Remus was slowly adjusting to life at Hogwarts again, the big change this time being that he was pregnant. Five months pregnant, to be precise. Remus liked being precise. Vagueness was for losers.

He soon found himself helping out around the castle, giving practical demonstanrions for DADA, and helping Severus mark essays when he started to whine about the indubitable stupidity of students. Eventually, Albus just decided to hire Remus as the DADA teaching assistant since he was essentially doing the work anyway. 

“The curse is on the Defence Professor, not the teaching assistant,” Albus said. “After every year when the professor leaves, you will have the previous one’s notes, so that the students can have a constant syllabus. I’ll even pay you a professor’s salary.”

“You can’t just hire your son,” Remus reasoned, “that’s nepotism!”

“That’s nepotism, dad,” Dumbledore corrected, “and it doesn’t matter. You are qualified for the job, and people don’t generally question my decisions. I’m very smart, you see.”

Remus shook his head. “But I can’t work all the time, given my...condition.”

“Hm,” Dumbledore agreed. “I’ll just have to give you extra sick leave.” And that was that. 

The students loved him, and Remus found his quarters constantly filled with heart-eyed students asking for help with their spellwork. Severus, whom he shared quarters with, was less happy with this, as he was now unable to walk around shirtless and in his pants. 

“A man should be allowed to walk around in his underwear in the privacy of his rooms, Lupin!” Severus raged for the umpteenth time. Remus rolled his eyes and commandeered an unused classroom for his needs instead, and Severus could run amok in his undies once more. It was ridiculously easy to make that man happy, Remus thought to himself. 

With their busy teaching schedules and their duties shepherding and caring for students, both men consequently spent little quality time together. Albus picked up on this worrisome detail, and in true busybody fashion, resolved to do something about it. 

The night after the full moon, Albus went to check on Remus. “Poor boy,” Dumbledore whispered, brushing Remus’s bangs from his forehead as he had often done in the boy’s school years. “You might not remember this, but when you were a child, I used to carry you back to the castle after a transformation. You were always so tuckered out, and so tiny that I could carry you.”

“I didn’t know,” Remus admitted. “Thank you.”

“I’ve brought you some salve for your sore muscles,” Albus said, producing a jar of paste. “It’s raspberry scented. Unfortunately, I can’t help with the application, what with my poor, arthritic fingers. Ah, but perhaps Severus-?”

Feeling like he was once again the headmaster’s pawn, Severus scowled. Nevertheless, he stalked forward and grabbed the jar with a whispered, “I’m on to you, old man.”

Remus looked up at Severus and reached out. “Dad, I don’t think Severus is quite comfortable-“

“But will he let you be in discomfort?” Albus wondered aloud. “The bearer of his child? Of Little Albusforth?”

“We are not naming the child Albus, Albusforth, or any other variation of those names,” Severus snarled. “Turn around, Lupin,” he instructed, surprising Remus. “Do you intend to stay, Albus?” He snarled.

“Oh no,” Albus said, getting up, “I know when I’m not needed. Well, toodle-oo!” He said, and oozed off irritatingly. Severus huffed and started helping Remus apply the salve, muttering irreverent things about Albus under his breath.

“Severus,” Remus said quietly, “you don’t have to...touch me. If it makes you uncomfortable.”

Severus took his hands off of Remus and looked at him, considering. “I would have thought that you would be the one averse to my touch, given the circumstances...”

An uncomfortable silence fell between them, during which Remus continued to apply the salve. After a while, he cleared his throat. “It was bad, Severus.”

“Bad? Try unconsciable. Terrifying. Horrible. What I did-“

“What you were forced to do,” Remus corrected him gently. “It was a violation of yourself as well as of me.”

Severus sighed, and hung his head. “Lupin, I-“ Suddenly, he found that he could not speak. 

“It could have been so much worse,” Remus said. “But I had you. You took care of me afterwards. You didn’t hurt me, even given our past-“

“I do not blame you for Black,” Severus said quickly. “Or Potter.”

“Yes. But I do,” Remus said. Then, “You’re a good man, Severus Snape.”

Severus snorted. “Not good enough.”

“What, for me?” Remus smiled. “I ripped Mulciber’s face off, remember?” 

“To thunderous applause,” Severus recalled with a flinch. The other young, tortured, werewolves had been overjoyed that their tormentor had died, and so gruesomely at that. 

“And with you...”

“That was not your fault,” Severus said shortly. “That was all Black. May he rot in Azkaban. I must admit,” he sighed heavily, “that I have been unduly harsh with you. I...apologize, Lupin.”

“Apology accepted,” Remus smiled. 

“We shall not hug.”

“If that’s what you want,” Remus grinned. 

Severus stood. “We are in agreement, then. Neither of us are horrid people incapable of raising a child. We shall now repress this conversation and its associated emotions till we are plagued with them on our deathbeds.”

Remus rolled his eyes. And they had been doing so well. 

“Yes, dear.”

And that was that.

………………………………………………………………………………

Except no, that was not that, for Albus Dumbledore had not finished his meddling. 

“A touch of sunlight, perhaps, to soothe the aches,” Albus suggested. 

“Or a pain relieving draught.”

“Nonsense, my boy! A promenade by the lake, that’s what will help! And take Severus, so that you may lean on his arm for support.” Severus was not the murdering sort, and lucky for Albus that he was not. “Toodle-pip!” Albus cheered, taking Remus hand and putting it in the crook of Snape’s arm. “Off you pop!”

“I’ll pop you,” Severus vowed, giving the headmaster the evil eye as he flounced away. 

It could not be denied that it wasn’t a good idea, though. The sun was bright in the sky, and the weather was fine and slightly cool with a crisp breeze as the husbands strolled along the lake. “This is nice,” Remus said. 

“Don’t you start.”

Just then, the bushes rustled. Severus glared at them. A handful of fifth year’s tumbled out, giggling, and ran into the castle, shooting the couple heart eyed glances. “If I could curse them...” Severus said venomously. 

“Don’t curse the students,” Remus said quickly. “I’m tired. Can we sit down?”

Snape nodded and conjured a bench and helped Remus settle in. “It’s cold,” he snapped, annoyed at the wind. “Take my cloak,” he said flinging it over Remus while he drew his wand to try and counteract nature. 

“Are you trying to warm the wind?” Remus asked incredulously.

“It is so crisp, it may affect your health and that of the child’s - Lupin, stop smiling at me!”

But Remus could not stop smiling at his adorably contrary husband, and neither could Albus, who was spying on them from the astronomy tower. Nor could the modest sized gathering of fifth year girls, who were swooning and complementing professor Snape for being ‘a real mean, that’s so dreamy’. 

All this served to do was to make Severus very unhappy. 

“They think you’re a hunk,” Remus informed him later that week. “You should be happy!”

“Hmph.”

Remus amused himself by letting Severus retreat into his cloak like a bat.


	3. Chapter 3

The news that Sirius Black had broken out of Azkaban gripped the nation in a panic. 

The news that Sirius Black had snuck into the Weasley house during Christmas break and killed a rat confused the nation, but still gripped them in a panic. 

When Sirius Black snuck into Hogwarts to save Remus from his obvious tormentor, the evil Snape, he threw the school into a frenzy. “I’m innocent,” he said, and held up the corpse of a dead rat, before spelling it into the corpse of Peter Pettigrew. “See?”

After a lengthy trial and a lot of veritaserum, Sirius Back was allowed to go free, after which he ended up at Hogwarts, and crawled into Remus’ lap. “Moony, I’m here to rescue you,” he said, while Remus rubbed his belly, “I shall free you from Snape’s clutches.”

Remus smiled, but refused the kind offer. Then Severus came home and proceeded to chase Sirius out. Later that night, as Remus got into bed, Severus cleared his throat.

“Lupin.”

“Yes, Severus?”

Snape hesitated. “In light of recent events, I would understand if you were to go with Black and...leave this marriage. He is, after all, your friend, whereas we were forced together-“

“Severus.” Snape jumped. He couldn’t recall Lupin ever speaking to him so sharply. “We are not doing this again. I chose to marry you, and I choose to stay with you. Sirius won’t change anything.”

“You were giving him belly rubs.”

“He’s a dog, Severus, he sometimes forgets how to pee like a human. Now can we please go to bed?”

Severus grinned. The next morning, he transfigured Sirius’ commode into a fire hydrant. 

………………………………………………………………………

The first thing Sirius did after being allowed to leave Hogwarts was to kidnap Harry Potter from Privet Drive and bring him straight back to Hogwarts. Dumbledore frowned when Sirius told him of the abuse, and Remus cried. Snape yelled at Sirius for making Remus cry.

The second thing he did was to go back to Privet drive and turn Petunia into a horse and transfigured Vernon into a slug. Dumbledore made him change them back, but it was worth it, especially punching Vernon Dursley. 

Remus was much happier about this. 

Sirius and Harry took up residence at Hogwarts on account of Sirius being the new teaching assistant for Transfiguration. He flirted relentlessly with Minerva, who was continuously exasperated, and spent his free time infesting Snape’s and Remus’ chambers with Harry. 

“You see that, Haz?” Sirius asked, bouncing Harry and pointing to Remus’ obvious belly, “that’s your godsibling there, in Moony’s tummy.”

“So you’re naming yourself godfather?” Remus asked amusedly. 

“As if there was anyone else,” Sirius snorted, as though that settled the matter. 

Severus was not pleased. “Black will not be related to our child.”

“How about you get to choose the godmother?” Remus suggested. 

Severus chose Minerva, because he rather liked the idea of keeping his balls. 

Harry was completely taken by his new surroundings and the people. Sirius was his obvious favorite, followed closely by Remus, then Albus, who took to cradling Harry in his beard, and surprisingly, Severus, who detested his new position as a Potter nanny. 

“Egads,” he said, following the trail of the diapered bum waddling over to wreak havoc over his latest potioneering adventure. He went over and redirected the toddler over to Remus, who was perusing a baby catalogue. “Lupin, keep that infernal fleshball away from the cauldrons.”

“He just wants to see what his uncle Sev’s up to,” Remus said mildly, but picked Harry up nonetheless. 

“Uncle what? Preposterous. I am nobody’s uncle. The very idea. I say. Good grief.”

Harry clapped his pudgy hands and made grabby motions towards Severus. “Sev!” He chirped happily. 

“One day,” Severus addressed the baby, “you will learn that it is not proper to proclaim your emotional state quite so loudly. Keep your emotions well guarded with occlumency, and never declare your emotional state out loud. None of this wanton crying or overt smiling that you are so prone to currently.”

Remus reminded himself to buy Severus a Mummy and Me book. 

For his part, Harry merely babbled and reached out to grab a lock of Severus’ hair. “Release me at once, Potter!” Severus demanded. Harry responded by inserting Snape’s hair onto his mouth. 

Realizing that he had lost the battle, Severus sat down and allowed Harry free reign over the rest of his head. “You may have won this round, Little Potter,” Severus said, “but the war will be mine. Lupin, stop smiling!” 

Remus continued to grin. “You’ll make a great dad, Sev.”

“Of course I shall, I’m pretty great at most things. And stop assigning me nicknames.”

“Of course, dear,” Remus smiled, bouncing Harry on his knee. 

Snape sighed deeply, wondering how this had become his life.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Yoo hoo, anyone home?”

Black, Snape thought unhappily, and attempted to become one with the curtains. If he couldn’t see him, then he would leave-

“Homenum revelio!”

Damn. 

“Ah, Snapey, just the man I wanted to interrogate,” Sirius said, bounding into the sitting room. 

“I have no desire to subject myself to you, Black. Leave from whence you came.”

“No,” Sirius said, and tackled Snape to the floor. After struggling for a few minutes, Sirius threatened, “I’ll lick you! Don’t think that I won’t!”

“Disgusting, Black!” Snape stopped struggling nonetheless, allowing Sirius to straddle his hips to assert his dominance. “Get off of me! Our cocks are touching!”

“What are your intentions towards Remus, you git!?” 

“What intentions, you twat? I married him! We’re having a child together! What is more wholesome than that? And stop moving, your cock is rubbing mine!”

“As Remus’ best friend, I have to make sure that he is happy and safe, because he’s too much of an angel to ever complain about things. Doesn’t like to be a burden, see.”

Snape did a quick maneuver and threw Sirius off. “Lupin is my husband, not a burden, you complete fool.”

“It’s not a happy union though,” Sirius refuted his words, “you don’t like him.”

Snape’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Like him? Like him? Of course I like him, he is my child’s other parent! We share a living space and a bed. I massage vitamin oil on his stomach. I nurse him back to health after a transformation. He calls me by a pet name only my mother ever dared to call me.”

“Ooh what is it?” Sirius grinned.

“Sev.”

Sirius snorted. “That’s it? I call you that all the time.”

Severus started. “You do?”

“Sure, when Remus and I talk about you. Slimy Sev. Stupid Sev. Though those are my nicknames for you. Remus just calls you Sev. He doesn’t seem to want to leave you either,” Sirius grumped. “Did you confound him?”

“I most certainly did not,” Snape snapped, but felt his heart lifting at hearing of Remus’ refusal to abandon him. He’d grown rather accustomed to having tea with him. And really, what was a greater sign of affection than the sharing of one’s morning tea? 

Had he just admitted that he and Lupin were affectionate? Damn. 

“I offered to take care of him,” Sirius said, interrupting Severus’ self-revelation rudely. “I offered to marry him and raise little Sirius as my own.”

Snake tackled him. “How dare you try to steal away my husband and child!” He growled, strangling Sirius a la Homer Simpson. “I shall end you, Black!”

Remus waddled in just then, balancing Harry on his stomach. “Sev? Sirius? Oh! Are you making friends?” He asked hopefully. 

Snape leapt up and petrified Sirius. Remus frowned. An argument, then. “Lupin, is it true that Black tried to seduce you away from me?”

“He hardly seduced me, Sev,” Remus replied. “He just bent over a lot to pick up his quill, and whined about how much gold he had and how he was my best friend. I told him that I wasn’t going to marry him for that.”

“But...I am a mere professor,” Severus said. “Black is filthy rich, and better looking, and could care for you-“

“Yes, Sev, but I want to stay with you,” Remus stressed. “You’re my husband, and I love you.”

Severus was nearly bowled over by the sentiment. “Oh I say,” he said softly and with emotion. 

Remus smiled obligingly. “I’m sorry, was that too much? It’s just...I thought that you knew. It’s not anyone whom you’ll share your tea with.”

“Well, I-“ Severus dithered, “I had rather thought that we wouldn’t say it aloud. That it would just...be.”

“We can just let it be,” Remus said agreeably. “But I would like to know if we are on the same page.”

“Oh, rather,” Severus said eagerly. “With the love and affection. On the same page. We are. I say. By jove.”

Remus smiled and pointed his wand at Sirius, freeing him from his petrifaction. Sirius jumped up angrily, but once he saw Harry, he melted and transformed into a lolloping dog again. “Woof!” He greeted Remus joyfully. “Woof,” he barked threateningly at Snape. I’ve got my eye on you. 

Snape sent a stinging hex at Sirius’ bum. It was well deserved. 

…………………………………………

Albus insisted on being irritatingly domestic, and asked (blackmailed) everyone into attending a family lunch the following weekend. Really though, the entire purpose of it was to force family time on Aberforth.

They sat at a round table, Albus sitting next to Remus, who was also next to Severus. Sirius sat balancing Harry of his lap, beside Aberforth, who had not forgiven him for breaking a glass in his pub five years ago, and Ariana’s portrait, from where she smiled benignly and gestured at Remus’s tummy. 

“Oh, yes, it’s almost time,” Remus said pleasantly. Ariana gestured to ask that if it was a girl, would they consider naming the baby after her. Severus rolled his eyes, but didn’t quash the dreams of a little dead girl in a portrait. 

“I have asked Poppy to prepare a first class birthing suite in the hospital wing,” Albus said over his eggs. “In a few weeks, I shall be grandpa twice over!”

Aberforth looked up dourly. “Twice over? What have you been getting up to, you old wart?”

Albus cleared his throat. “I should take this time to announce that I have submitted a formal application to adopt young Sirius here, and with him, his godson. Remus my boy, you now have an older brother,” Albus beamed at a bemused Lupin.

Sirius was ecstatic. “You hear that, Moony? We’re going to be brothers!”

“Not two days ago, you were proposing marriage to him,” Snape spat. “Have you no shame, Black?”

“It’s Dumbledore now, actually. Sirius Dumbledore,” Sirius said proudly. 

“Surely, this is not normal,” Snape growled. 

“I think it’s nice,” Remus said mildly. “Harry will be our child’s cousin, Sev. Won’t that be nice?”

“I’m related to a Potter? Egads.”

Harry smeared a handful of potatoes on his face and smiled gummily at everyone. Snape subsided, reasoning that at least this one could be molded into something better than his predecessors. Perhaps even a potioneer.

“How is it,” Aberforth grunted, “that you get a readymade family when you don’t even bother with a woman?”

“Why, I am simply my natural, loveable self, Abe,” Albus replied. Ariana tittered from her frame. “Women love me too, but in vain, for my natural inclinations veer away from them. All I need is a Ministry mandated adoption form, and I am good to go.”

Aberforth rolled his eyes and looked at Remus. “I remember you from your Hogwarts days. A reasonably good egg, you were, unlike Winkus and Dinkus here,” he said, nodding at Sirius and Severus. 

“Why, thank you, Abe,” Remus smiled. 

“Buah,” Harry interrupted fitfully. He looked about ready to wail, and Sirius offered him a finger that Harry immediately began to gnaw on. 

“Black, that is repulsive. Potter, remove that appendage from your mouth,” Severus instructed, and was soundly ignored. 

“He’s teething, Snapey,” Sirius informed the group. “He needs to bite on things. He’ll be a ferocious animagus when he grows up,” he said proudly. 

In the future, Harry’s animagus would be a sparrow, but okay, ferocious.

“Give him hard candy,” Albus advised. 

“Cold carrot sticks,” Remus said. 

“A pain potion,” Severus said predictably.

“Whiskey on the gums. What?” Aberforth asked, as everyone glared at him.

Remus plucked a carrot stick from his plate and passed it to Harry, who gunned away on it happily. “Good parenting, Lupin,” Severus complimented him.

“Thank y- oh,” Remus stopped short, flinching. He looked down and commented, “Ah. My water has broken.”

Pandemonium ensued. Hufflepuff house panicked and sixty students tried to boil water. Gryffindors told Remus to push, they’d catch the baby. An enterprising Ravenclaw tried to check how far Remus was dilated. Severus took ten points from him. The Slytherins, who had brains, called for quiet and parted the crowd to allow Remus passage to the hospital wing. 

Remus made to stand up, but was quickly swept off of his feet by Severus, who pulled him into a bridal carry and ran to the hospital wing. 

“I can walk, Sev,” Remus said, amused. 

“I shan’t risk it.”

Severus’ fifth year groupies sighed about how romantic Professor Snape was, why couldn’t their juvenile yearmates learn a thing or two from him. 

Once at the hospital wing, Madame Pomfrey told the school that only one person could be present in the birthing chambers. 

“Alright,” Sirius said, and walked in. Snape threw him out and walked in himself.

“But I’m his brother!” Sirius complained loudly. “You’re just the guy who knocked him up!”

“The adoption went through two hours ago, Sirius,” Remus said reasonably. “And you have to take care of Harry. I think some Hufflepuffs are trying to make off with him.” Sirius left to track down the nefarious Hufflepuffs who wanted to abduct and *gasp* play with Harry. 

Four hours of labour later, and Elias Lilius Lupin-Snape, or Eli as he would commonly be known, was born with ten toes, ten fingers, and a tail. “It’s very common in mixed werewolf births,” Madam Pomfrey assured Severus, as Elias wagged his extra appendage happily. “But I will need to take it off.”

Severus put his son’s tail in a chest and locked it away with great love and care.

“He’s not a werewolf,” Albus commented tickling the newborn with his beard, “but he will most likely like his meat rare, and he may have fangs.”

Remus breathed a sigh of relief and cradled his son to his chest. “Isn’t he gorgeous, Sev?”

“My son is perfect,” Severus proclaimed proudly. 

Sirius did not stop wagging his tail for two days. 

It was as perfect as they could have hoped for.

XxX

Severus wouldn’t have thought it, but he was glad that Eli had a playmate roughly his age. Harry, once he was at an age to understand that Eli was his little cousin, took to the role with gusto.

He had Lily’s fierce protective streak, and a keen sense of fun, honed doubtlessly by his godfather and Remus. Where Eli crawled, Harry toddled not far behind. Eli, in turn, loved his big brother, and together, they were the darlings of Hogwarts.

Sirius, to Severus’ dismay, was Uncle Siri, Padfoot, and on one horrific occasion, Dada. Snape quickly disabused his son of the notion, though Black was quite amused. 

“Black is a menace, not dada.”

“Dada?”

“No, not dada. You have two fathers - over there, Remus, is papa.”

“Papa!”

“Correct. And I am father.”

“Fa...?”

“Daddy,” Severus tried. 

“Dada!”

“Brilliant. Now, that mangy cur over there is Black. He is your uncle and godfather, to my everlasting horror.”

“Unca.”

“Clever boy. We’ll make an academic out of you yet,” Severus smiled. “That toddling ball of flesh is your cousin, Harry. You all have different surnames, but he still loves you very much.”

“Hawwy!”

“Yes, Harry. Also known in moments of anger as Potter. We are trying to make him a potioneer. Can you say Draught of Living Death?”

“Dau...da...”

“Severus!”

“What?”

“Use appropriate baby talk!” Remus called. 

Severus subsided, but made sure to buy both babies a My First Potion kit for Christmas.


	4. Chapter 4

Because this is a story about Severus and Remus, and Harry, Voldemort must make an appearance.

He did so in Harry’s first year, then second, when he kidnapped Eli in the Chamber of Secrets. Normally, it shouldn’t be possible to bite a memory-horcrux, but Eli managed it. The third year was quiet, but in his fourth, Harry saw the second rise of Voldemort, and he missed his fifth through seventh years being on the run with his family. 

The Lupin-Snapes, and Potter-Black/Dumbledore families got into several scrapes, a particularly memorable one involving fourteen year old Eli Snape yelling at Voldemort that he was a mouthbreathing bogey eater and that he looked like a wrinkly cock. 

Voldemort was suitably confused at having an unknown teenager yelling obscenities at him whilst following him through the Department of Mysteries. Go away, strange, rude child, he said. No, Eli said, I’m going to kill you and then feed you to the flobberworms who will then digest and shit you out as evil manure. Impressed, Voldemort asked if Eli would like to be a death eater. No, Eli replied, because you’re an evil tart. 

Bellatrix tried to curse him, but Sirius bit her hand off, and then gargled for two days. “Best godfather ever,” he reminded them for the rest of eternity. 

When Harry was seventeen, he defeated Voldemort for good, and helped Eli to stand on Voldemort’s dead body to riverdance on his corpse. 

Eli was in Slytherin. He led the entire house in a dance routine and they all took turned dancing on Voldemort’s corpse until McGonagall told them to quit it. Harry did not dance on Voldemort’s corpse, nor because he was in Gryffindor (Sirius danced on it), but because he couldn’t really dance very well and he had never been arsed to learn how. 

After the battle, they sat in front of Albus’ portrait. “A job well done!” Albus cheered. “Eli, my precious, did you dance like how I taught you?”

“Yes, grampa!”

“And Harry,” Albus beamed, “my sweet, kind, little poodle. You are alive and well! I knew that you could do it!”

Harry smiled. “Yup. I was able to get a spell through Voldemort’s defenses because Eli screamed a really horrid word very loudly and distracted everyone.”

“What did you say, Eli?”

Eli opened his mouth, but Snape clamped a hand over it quickly. “You are never to say that word again.”

Eli giggled when Sirius repeated it for him, and Remus made angry noises because the children, Sirius, really. 

“You tried, Remus,” Severus said commiseratingly. “The children’s lack of taste is Black’s fault entirely. Our upbringing is perfect.”

Watching Harry and Eli interact with their grandfather’s portrait, Remus couldn’t help but agree. Relief washed over him, as the reality of their having lived through the war hit him. Unable to restrain himself, Remus gave Severus a peck on the cheek. 

“Tchah! I say! Remus, control yourself, we are in public!” Severus said, scandalized at the public show of affection. 

Sirius mimed retching onto Phineas Nigellus’ portrait. 

“I couldn’t help myself,” Remus grinned. “After all, who could resist a war hero?”

Severus felt his face heat up. Was he getting a fever? Stupid Black had sneezed on him two days ago, contaminating him with whatever unholy germs he was- oh, Severus realized belatedly. He was blushing. 

“Fifteen years,” Remus whispered, leaning into his husband, “and I can still get you to blush. You are quite the man, Severus Snape.”

“Oh, rather,” Snape agreed. He was, as Remus had said, the man. “If I am The Man, then I can’t disregard my own dashing, heroic man. After all, not everyone can boast that they ripped off Bellatrix Lestrange’s face.”

Remus blushed this time. “Oh, it was nothing.”

“On the contrary, it was most...stimulating,” Severus said huskily. Remus tittered. “Perhaps we ought to retire to a more private setting, to discuss our heroics.”

“Ooh! Can I talk about my heroism? I ripped Lucius Malfoy’s arse off-“

“Black! Cease your drivel!” Snape hissed. “I am going upstairs with my husband to do unspeakable things to him. You are not to follow, and not to allow either of your godchildren to disturb us, is that clear?”

“Crystal,” Sirius nodded. “You gonna knock Moony up again, huh?”

“Don’t be so ridiculous.”

xXx

“This is ridiculous,” Snape muttered, staring at the pregnancy potion that glowed a bright, positive, blue.

“I was joking,” Sirius said severely, as Remus retched into the toilet bowl. “Why did you have to knock poor Moony up again?”

“Happy sperm make for virile sperm,” Severus hypothesized. “I should write a paper about it.”

“Eew, Snape sperm,” Sirius shuddered, as Harry gasped and put his hands over Eli’s ears. “Children, with me! We are going to Hogsmeade to buy Remus a hemorrhoid pillow.”

“Yuck!” the boys chorused, but followed Sirius out. Remus cleaned himself up and joined Severus in the living room, where the normally unflappable potions master was bustling around to make tea. 

“Sit with me, Sev,” Remus said gently. 

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” Snape fretted. “We are nearly forty. How could I not control my stirring rod? Curse my virile sperm.”

Remus chuckled. “Don’t worry, Sev. It’s just a baby. And besides, dad’s portrait will be ever so glad.”

“I’ve never seen a man so happy to know that his son was having intercourse,” Snape shook his head in wonderment. “Truly, Albus Dumbledore was a unique item.”

“You want to go up and tell him?”

“Not right now,” Snape said. “I would rather share your company over tea.”

Remus blushed. “Oh, Sev. You sweet talker.”

Severus smirked. Oh yes. Yes he was. And the benefits of the sweet talking were nothing to frown at either, he thought, sneaking an arm around his husband. Remus giggled. 

Severus Snape, smooth operator. It had a nice ring to it, he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s it folks! But fret not, this is going to turn into a series! So many plotbunnies in my head, and they’re all going to be released here!


End file.
